A Day of Writing with Manda (and Ben)

Today is a day off from my normal grind. Don't get me wrong, my grind is not normal, nor is it actually very grindy. It is just my typical work which is interpreting. My day today contains none of that and all of this. By "this" I mean writing.

Presently I am sitting at the local library writing at a small table with an adorable desk lamp facing my life partner Ben. (Click here to see his very own blog about writing and things.) He's kind of the champion of my own personal story. I may be the protagonist but I would just be the 'tagonist without his pro. He really helped me to see who I am, embrace it, and go forth into the world completely unabashed.

I digress.

Today we are writing, so I thought I would tell you what that looks like.

We went to a local coffee shop at first. I do love coffee shops. There is an air about them, maybe it is the smell of freshly-made coffee, maybe it is the sights and sounds of other people hard at work or visiting friends (or in some cases sales people trying a bit too hard to sell a pitch). Regardless of the reason, coffee shops make me pleased almost instantly. Today was not that day, though. We got there and it was all wrong. There was not a proper table with outlets to be sat at. There were people all around but they had the wrong aura (for lack of better and more scientific reasoning) and the baristas working were hardly friendly. Lastly, and somewhat most importantly, it was HOT. Yes CAPITAL H-O-T "hot" and that is not, by any means, an exaggeration.

Today in our lovely town it is a whopping 84* with a sexy 75% humidity which makes it hard for any regular person to remain dry of their own perspiration. It's downright gross outside. So we escape inside with hopes of something more reasonable and find, much to our chagrin, that inside is the same as outside. So we left.

We then were pulling out of the parking lot and looked into each others dreamy, albeit steamy-glassed, eyes and both said "How about a library?" in unison. The decision was made, and now you have an idea of why we are life partners, because we think on the same wavelength pretty much constantly (also he is VERY funny and the way to my heart is through laughter).

So now we sit in a library, and I am working on my novel and he is working on his... novel or blog or both? I am uncertain, because while we sit here across from one another, it is with headphones on and once in a while glancing up at the other to remind them that we do indeed feel their presence and love them fully, and then back to our own work. My headphones emit noises of "Film Scores" which is by far my favorite music to write to as it contains no words and is chock full of emotion. The current song is Magneto's theme from X-Men First Class which happens to be one of my all time favorite themes--but that's for another blog post.

So I bid you adieu on this fine Blog Monday. Having fully avoided my manuscript for the past 20 minutes while writing this out. I am hopeful that when I revisit my novel in progress, the knots I was dodging will have worked themselves out completely on their own. (Haha I can dream, can't I?)

Thanks for your readership, as always. I send this off with much love and adoration for you all.

Manda B. Mitchell
Singing off.

What's in an E-Friend?

Today I had my manuscript dangling over the fire, ready to watch it burn. I didn't want to sacrifice my idea or goals in anyway, on the contrary, I wanted to start over. I never intended to be an author, I wrote for my own enjoyment and for the people who may or may not read my blog. Without any formal training, I have no idea what I am doing as far as writing a first draft, or any draft, is concerned.

Sure it is easy to say, "Just write. Get it all out there. Vomit on the page." if you will, and "we will clean it up and make it pretty later." The perfectionist in me is not having it. I can't handle looking at the jumble bumble that I call a manuscript and imagine showing it to ANYONE at this point. Selling them on the idea is simple but the pile in front of me seems convoluted at best!

Back to the beginning: Today I had my manuscript over the fire, ready to watch it burn. BUT... before I did that I reached out to my trusty support network. When it comes to writing my support network is my husband Ben (always), my friend and author Ann Hunter, and my friend and editor/author/all things brilliant Ally Bishop.

I approached it as I usually do "HELP PLEASE!" followed by my need for support and love and affirmations. They all delivered brilliantly and I am pleased to say, my manuscript is not a pile of ash, but just a work in progress (imagine that).

This is a pretty big deal, right? The life or death of my current manuscript pretty much determines if I am or am not an author, and my ability to continue writing with confidence is very valuable to me as a writer. It could be assumed, then, that I would only entrust the closest of friends to help talk me off of this ledge, so to speak.

It may surprise you, then, that all three of these relationships were forged online. Not only that but two of the three of these friends and I have never met in person. 

I have 450ish friends on Facebook. Of those friends at least 20% I met and know online exclusively and of them I would consider at least 15 close friends. That is defined by me as: 
a person I would go to for personal or professional guidance, 
someone who's life I am interested in and who I often share the smallest victories with, 
a person who knows me as I am without pretense and who cares for my well being;
and a person who truly doesn't mind listening to me bitch (we all need an ear at times, am I right?)

It is all too often I am shocked by people's reaction to these statistics. I can't be the only person out there who is able to forge strong and meaningful relationships on the interwebs, can I? I fear that I might be.

Here are some Manda Facts (def: Not based on any actual fact with the exception of my own gut and heart) about friendship: 

1. Friendship can cross any of terrain, even oceans and deserts and mountains, anything.
2. Distance does not have to define friendship
3. Friends do not have to "know" each other IN REAL LIFE (I hate that phrase) to be friends, they just have to know each other.
4. To know one another, friends must be honest, loving, kind and open to communication. (just like in marriage)
5. You don't need me to define friendship for you, you get to define it for yourself!

And now 5 fun facts about my life WITH E-Friends: 

1. I am working on my first novel and believe that I can and will be published one day BECAUSE of E-Friends.
2. I know how to love myself as fully as I do now BECAUSE of E-Friends.
3. I met my lovely, amazing, awesome, and encouraging husband, Ben, online. When I was dating him I asked for encouragement from my E-Friends... I may have not even dated him if it weren't for them. 
4.  My healing process from my abusive relationship and through other points of grieving have been easier BECAUSE of E-Friends
5. Everyday I know I am loved, supported, and cherished because of E-Friends.

So go out there, make you some E-Friends... you never know where those amazing and deep and carefree relationships might lead!

Want to be my E-Friend? Find me on Twitter and shoot me an email mandabmitchell@gmail.com

Twilight in Reality-My experience in an abusive relationship

I am not a TWIHARD... but I did enjoy the books (as bad as her actual writing abilities are Stephenie Meyer is excellent at character development and cliff hangers... which make for a very addictive read), and I really loved the last movie... and have seen all the movies. When I first started the books, I was with my ex husband. It was not hard for me to make distinct correlations between my relationship with him and Bella's relationship with Edward. I thought, though, that was just the typical behaviors of a book--trying to make the characters relateable.

Enter: Ben. Someone with a good head on his shoulders, who has never even been witness to abuse in a relationship. I realized, quickly, when with him (although it took repeated experiences) that what I had been through was not normal. 

I suffered PTSD from the relationship I had with my ex for over a year. I worked VERY hard with a counselor and many other people and services to make it through to the brighter side.

As you know the last Twilight movie was released this last week... and with that dug up old articles and reminders of the unhealthy behaviors exhibited therein. Here is one article I read... beyond just what it said about the movie, I realized even more what it said about my past:

According to the National Domestic Violence hotline, these are some signs that you may be in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship.

Does your partner:
* Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
Check.

I was being threatened multiple times per day. Even something just as simple as staying late for school resulted in rage I feared on a daily basis.

* Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?
"Stay away from the werewolves. I love you."

Yes. I was not often allowed to speak with my family. I was not allowed to say "I love you" to anyone else. The list is very long. 

* Make all of the decisions?
Check.

Definitely. Convinced me I was unable to balance a checkbook and then lead us down a road of negative bills and credit which cost me personally over 20 thousand dollars to get out of (and I'm still working through it) 

Not to mention--He ordered EVERY meal for me... I remember the week after I left him the VERY FIRST meal I ordered I cried... I couldn't believe how freeing it was to be able to choose for myself again.  

* Act like the abuse is no big deal, it's your fault, or even deny doing it?
"If I wasn't so attracted to you, I wouldn't have to break up with you."

I wish you weren't my soul mate sometimes, Then I could just leave you and be with someone who was less painful to be around.  Also: I just can't stand to be apart from you... your friends should understand that.

* Threaten to commit suicide?
"I just can't live without you. In fact, I'll run to Italy and try suicide by vampire if anything happens to you."

5 times, to be exact.

* Threaten to kill you?
On their first date.

This one is a bit harsh-he only ever threatened to LEAVE or HURT me, never to kill me... Threatened to kill people I cared about. 

These are some more signs of an abusive relationship.
Has your partner...

* Tried to isolate you from family or friends.
Bella doesn't have time for anyone else!

Touched on this earlier... I was not allowed to spend time with any of my friends, alone, for any extraordinary period of time. 

* Damaged property when angry (thrown objects, punched walls, kicked doors, etc.).
Check.

In the time that I was with him: Broke my phone (Hated that I was texting and threw it across a room), Punched walls, pillows and doors, as well as shattered the windshield of our car with his fist... 

* Pushed, slapped, bitten, kicked or choked you.
Does tossing her through a glass table count?

Pushed-Often... Several times. Almost punched me twice. 

* Abandoned you in a dangerous or unfamiliar place.
"We're breaking up. And I'm leaving you in the forest."

He did not do this--but there was one time I THOUGHT he was going to ... 

* Scared you by driving recklessly.
Check.

*nod* yup

* Forced you to leave your home.
She had to run away with him to flee from the other vampires in the first movie, and she had to drop everything and run to Italy in the second.

um... I don't remember this happening either... Well... there was that one time I drove ALL THE WAY TO Arkansas alone in the middle of January to go get him... my mom about killed me... 

* Prevented you from calling police or seeking medical attention.
Check. Even in the hospital, nothing is a big deal.

Nope...

* Views women as objects and believes in rigid gender roles.
Well, they are Mormon... (I know, I know, cheap shot.) **PS I don't appreciate this comment about the Cullens (assuming that is what she means) being Mormon... that's just offensive on so many levels...

YUP... If the house wasn't clean... it was my fault.

* Accuses you of cheating or is often jealous of your outside relationships.
Check, wolf-boy.

This got so bad that even if I went out for lunch with a female friend I was a lesbian and cheating with them... It was painful trying to abide by the "love no one but me" standard... its no wonder I fight for my right to love anyone and everyone now... 

According to the NDVH, "If you answered ‘yes' to even one of these questions, you may be in an abusive relationship." This list is fifteen.


So there you have it... My relationship with my ex in a very boxy nutshell... 

I will try, forever probably, to be sure to talk about this with everyone I know. Not because I think it is something to be proud of or because I want sympathy, but because knowledge IS POWER. No woman or man should have to be in a relationship like this one, and popular culture like the Twilight Saga are exactly what continues to perpetuate this. 

Like I said-I am just as guilty as anyone else-I support the brand of Twilight by reading the books and watching the movies. But, I think by recognizing how real the abuse and manipulation are in the series, the more freedom we will have from situations like this one. 

I am hopeful for a brighter future. In my 20s I have been in an abusive relationship, cut ties with almost all friends and family, realized I was being abused, left that relationship, reestablished my connections, and started a healthy mature relationship with a different amazing man. By the way, I am only 25... a lot can change if we want it to. 

If you can relate to ANYTHING in that list in your current relationship (or a friendship, or an employment, or with a family member), I plea for you to SEEK HELP!!! Even if it is just sending me an email and working through it that way, or finding a counselor, or speaking to someone from your church or community. 

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! NEVER accept someone telling you that you are!


SO MUCH LOVE! <3 <3 <3 <3

Manda